


the art of breaking

by troublemaker (shoseilovemail)



Category: JO1 (Japan Band)
Genre: Abstract, Dark, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Introspection, Panic Attacks, Vulnerability, actually not about dying, is-this-a-fic-or-is-it-just-me-projecting, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-05
Updated: 2021-02-05
Packaged: 2021-03-17 01:02:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,822
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29216883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shoseilovemail/pseuds/troublemaker
Summary: How to die, and be reborn.
Kudos: 2





	the art of breaking

**Author's Note:**

> **cw:** mentions/describtions of a panic attack, describtion of bruises and scars but not explicit, blood is mentioned at one point. Let me know if there's anything else that should be tagged.

_Isn't it lovely?_

_All alone._

_

He falls onto his bed, flat on his back. He didn't turn the lights coming in; the world is dark all around. There's no light coming through the window, the curtains swallow it all.

The cold digs its teeth into his skin, merciless on the exposed flesh. He _could_ fetch his blankets and snuggle up in them, but -

His body feels like it's tied down, held back by invisible hands that are so, _so_ strong, so much stronger that he could ever be, so he can't possible stand up against them. He's just gonna - lay here, _stay_ , and watch.

But the heaviness also weighs on his eyelids, and suddenly the world's turning funny - there's silver and golden lights blurring together, like fluid paint on the canvas of his eyes. It's like it pours all out, over his world, flushing through him like water. His body becomes a part of the stream of his emotions, and it drifts him away.

Then, darkness.

_

His eyes open to darkness, still. He jolts up, trying to find ground with his hands, and is surprised when he does. He feels the wood and looks around - he's on a boat.

The boat's quietly drifting by itself, carried by the swooshing sea. It almost feels like it's whispering something to him.

He leans back against the mast that's just a bit higher than he'd be standing up. The sail does not waver, but there's barely any wind, anyways. He closes his eyes. There's nothing around, only dark. _It's always dark - if he could just-_

The boat stops gently, only lightly shaking him, opening his eyes.

And there's an island.

It looks almost neglected in the way it's overgrown with plants and trees. If he squints, he can see the remains if a house between them. He feels the sand at his bare feet, a gentle, welcoming warmth. Behind him is the sea, gentle waters flowing up and down.

And then there's the boy staring at him.

He looks with big eyes, filled with curiosity that shines through his long black fringe. The boy doesn't say anything, and he doesn't either. It's a bit weird - he doesn't even ask for his name. Silence hangs in the air as he feels the stranger's eyes mustering him, scanning him, almost. But somehow, it's not even uncomfortable.

Then he extends an hand out to him on the ground, a friendly offer.

He's perplexed, but takes it, and is pulled up - this boy _is_ strong. He makes an expression, like _follow me_ , and so he does.

They make their way through the green. There's many plant's he's never seen, although he's never been really interesting in them. _His father_ would be intrigued for sure, though.

The boy never lets go of his wrist, he's taking him along a path he doesn't know, eyes set on wherever their goal is. He's perplexed. _Where are you taking me? Who are you?_ So many questions fly through his mind but he feels like asking them would be pointless - like he already knows the answer, buried deep within his consciousness.

"Why are you not asking me for my name? ", he ends up asking.

The boy glancing at him, smiles - "Because I know you already, so there's no need. "

He tilts his head. It's like the answer makes no sense so much that it does.

"We'll be with the others soon, just a little more. "

_Others?_ Who'd even live here? It's a strange place for sure - the boy himself doesn't look like he belongs here, with clothes and heels that seem to be of high quality. But he doesn't have anywhere else to go, so he follows along.

The forest seems infinite, but they finally reach its end. The boy brushes a few branches aside, and then there's a big clearing, a meadow, rather.

There's also other boys standing there, nine of them, all eyes on him.

_

He learns that they all live on this - island, whatever it is, and have always lived here. There's Sho, the oldest with big gentle eyes, Ren with a bright smile, Ruki who laughs a bit forced, Junki who cracks a joke the second he's introduced, Keigo who laughs along. Takumi, who's waving a bit shyly, Syoya, the boy from the beach, Shosei who gives a friendly smile. Sukai only gives him a glance and Shion crosses his arms, saying _hello_ a bit reluctantly.

They welcome him like a friend and it's nothing but weird, but - it feels good. To be, to feel welcomed.

He's talking to one of them, Shosei if he remembers correctly, when another one (the tall one... _Keigo?_ ) comes up to him, casually placing a hand on his shoulder.

"Do you wanna be our king? "

He blinks. Suddenly it's quiet. Everyone's turned to him, safe for Shion. The atmosphere feels almost... expectant.

Only a fait _what?_ manages to escape his lips.

Because there's a lot of layers to this - being a king means being responsible, and he's so bad at that to a degree that's just pathetic. _How should he take of others when he can't take care of himself?_ Memories flash by his eyes, a dark room, the city at night, cheeks burning with tears, bloody arms and red on black black black.

He stumbles back, just a little. He wonders what they think. _What do you see in me?_ Their eyes are an enigma. Is that kindness, or judgement, or-

"C'mon, just try it. " That's Junki. "I know you're scared, but you don't get good things out of life if you don't try. "

His eyes shine with something, like, _trust me, I know._ As if-

Shosei's got a hand rubbing on his back, a silent support. He gulps, and goes into his mind. It's not something he does often, because frankly, _his mind is a scary place._ But right now, he's standing there, the dark monster in front of him, and maybe, maybe-

No.

He's eye to eye with the dark, and then there's a cold hand at his neck and he falls. The grass is cold, wet, he didn't even notice that on the way here. And it's so dark - _since when was it night?_

He wants to do nothing but curl up into a ball, make himself so tiny that no eye could ever spot him. But he knows that there's 20 of them on him, cold and glaring. A sharp pierce, a knife to his heart.

And he can't, for goodness sake _can't fucking_ protect himself, it hurts so much and the tears burn beneath his eyes. He clasps his hands over his heart, as though he could protect it that way - he can't, he knows it, and it hurts hurts hurts and he curses at himself because he can't make it stop and it only gets worse.

His mind is a dark place. Every time he goes there, only pain awaits.

_

It's like the world has stopped around him. There's only dark. The dark things that his brain's produced, materialised into thick black smoke that chokes him with a strong hand. Not enough to kill him, just to leave him barely able to breathe.

He knows all of this. The shaking, the short breaths, the shivers. He knows what to do. _Breathe-_ such a simple solution, yet he can't seem to move a finger even.

It's dark, and cold. It picks him apart slowly, tearing at skin and hair and everything it can. Nothing has moved but his mind races at the speed of a bullet train.

It's scary, so, so scary.

There, he shatters.

_

Sometimes it feels like he's left a part of himself. Out there on the streets, shrugged off and dumped like an old coat. _His skin_ \- the piece that protects him, an invisible armour that he's carried all his life. He never how heavy it felt - almost like a burden, when it's supposed to protect him.

Now he's naked under their eyes, figuratively, exposed for everyone to see. There's no skin, no layer of metal plates - only he himself, his soul and all he is. A truth untold, a secret seeing the light only now.

Here are all the bruises he carries. Red and purple and green colouring the milky-white skin, painting it into a blur of colours like an abstract artwork. Here are all his scars he carries, thin red lines dancing over his body, in patters no one could ever understand but himself.

The moon shines on them with silver light, illuminating them for all their prying eyes to see. He wants to do nothing more but run away, hide in a dark corner and patch himself up until there's no bit of skin left uncovered to be hurt by glares.

But he stays, an invisible force binding him right where he is. He looks at them, and they look back. _Don't look at me, look at just anything else, I'm not even here-_

Their eyes flicker up and down, and only then he sees the _softness_ in their eyes. Gentle, fond. Caring. It feels - perplexingly comforting.

There's words hanging on his lips, a hateful scream that his soul craves to let out, as a defence mechanism, because he's _scared_ and all bare. But, he feels like - he can't do that to them. He couldn't ever counter their kindness with the hate he bears. What is that hate, even? _Why is he scared?_

It's him all alone against the cold wind, that's merciless and wrapping itself around him like a stingy claw. There's a voice in his head - hidden deep behind doors and locks. It calls out for help - one single word that he's never able to say, not even whisper. But now his eyes stare back at ten other pairs - that are dark in the faint light, and he _doesn't know what to make of it._

Always, it's Shosei that makes the first step. He comes close with slow but sure steps, kneeling down to look at him. There's the light reflected in his dark eyes, a shimmer of _trust me_.

Gently, he cups his cheek with one hand, stroking it with his thumb. "It's okay, it's okay, " he repeats, and he leans into the touch, full of warmth as much as his words.

He doesn't notice how the other boys gather around them, but when he does - it's strangely comforting. In any other moment he'd scream at people to leave him alone, curling up into a ball to make himself as small as possible, so that no one would even see him in a dark corner.

But right now - he feels like doing anything but. It had felt weird ever since he came here, how oddly _familiar_ those boys felt - despite them having never met, he decided to trust them with his life and heart. Because _these wounds_ that he carries on his soul are something he's protected all his life, kept a secret buried in his chest. In this moment, they could destroy him - but they don't, they're protecting him, even.

_A place of solace, of serenity is all I want._

He brings his hand up to Shosei's still in its place, and holds on tightly. One by one, he feels fingers grazing over his, fingertips full of warmth. Even when they leave, it lingers.

There, he lets himself cry.

_

The arms wrapped around him do not swallow the sobs.

But that's okay - because there's no one else besides the eleven of them. Their arms, all wrapping him up in a big hug, defeat the cold, at least, and he doesn't feel exposed and bare anymore.

Even when they leave, one by one, the warmth lingers and does not go away - like he's just gained a new skin. He touches his arms and legs, and the wounds only hurt a little now. The pain does not threaten to break him anymore.

And when he looks up to them, they're all smiling - fondly. "Look at you now. ", Ren says. The others nod along, and he's just-

"Why are you doing this? ", he asks, voice still a bit hoarse. "I am just- "

"You're one of us. " Sho says. He raises an eyebrow at the oldest, because he's said it so matter-of-factly, like it's a well-known truth of the universe.

"We're all in this together. ", Ren adds. "You're not alone. Make of that what you will. "

He feels himself crying again, and the tears feel like they're burning down his cheeks. There's Shosei's voice in his head. _It's okay. It's okay._

_

"I have to go. "

No one's surprised when he says this, or sad. Instead, they're nodding in understanding. Even Shion is, and it's reassuring for him.

"I'm sorry that I can't be your king. "

Sukai raises an eyebrow, and Takumi nudges him. He smiles sweetly, saying "We understand. It's okay. "

"I'll show you out. ", Keigo says, Junki clinging onto his arm. The older of the two's smiling brightly, it does not go unnoticed even with how dark it is.

At some point in the forest, Syoya starts talking about how nice sky looks. Takumi joins in, and Ren points up to different constellations. He follows his finger, and says, "You're right. It's beautiful. "

Shion makes a sound of rejection, and when he looks back to him, he's got his arms folded. Keigo gently nudges his side, and he, reluctantly, lets them fall to his sides.

Sukai's walking in front of him, ahead all by himself, and he watches just his back for a while. His shoulders are broad, born to carry loads. He's humming a quiet melody, and Shosei slings an arm over his shoulder, joining in, too. Sukai doesn't mind.

Junki's laughing about some joke Keigo made about the shape of Orion ("It looks like a lobster! " "It's supposed to be a hunter! ") That was Ren who's always loved the stars just like him. Takumi's giggling quietly, too.

Ruki looks still a bit worn out, trailing along behind, but Sho stops for him, putting an arm around his back. His gentle eyes meet his, and he smiles at him. _Peace._

_

They reach the see and he feels the sand at his feet, still warm. The sea is quiet now, only moved by a gentle breeze. It's nice, how peaceful it is.

The boat is still in it's place, too - and when he thinks about it, he was never long gone. Time is a strange thing, it feels so long, but it also flies by, from day to night, week to month.

He looks back at them, all 10 of them behind him, and it feels - nothing but strange, how he's met these boys today and it feels like they're already a part of him, almost like - they've _always_ been always been there, and he's just never noticed them.

He's already with one foot on the boat when he turns back. Their eyes stare back, soft and gentle in the moonlight. "Who are you? And what is this place? "

A smile spreads on Sho's face. "We're here for you, to not be alone. And about this place, it's- " he looks around, to the forest, over the beach, at the sky and back.

"It's a sanctuary. "

He tilts his head at that, and Junki kind of laughs. "Go now, go on. " Keigo makes a gesture while Junki clings onto his arm.

When he steps on the boat, it slides into the sea by itself, pushed by an invisible force. The boys smile and wave, and _maybe_ , he thinks, _they're really here for him_ , to be his strength and push when he - can't.

A warm feeling blooms in his chest, and even though the wind is cold. He lets out a sigh, sits down leaning against the mast.

The stars shine bright, a guiding light for wherever he's gonna go. He'll see where it takes him. The sea swooshes, a soothing melody, and he closes his eyes, a jump into the dark.

_

He opens his eyes to a white ceiling. He squints, turning his head only slightly to see the daylight filtering through the curtains.

Two blankets lay on him but they are no weight, only light layers heavy with warmth. It's nice, and his eyes fall closed again. He sees the light even so, tiny yellow and white dots in the dark.

He opens his eyes, and sits up. The room is warm. It feels strange, like he's woken up from a long dream. What did he even dream? He can't remember. There's tiny pieces; an island, stars, _warmth_ -

But it doesn't matter. It was just a dream. But he feels strangely - refreshed, almost kind of... reborn. Like someone's picked up all his shattered pieces and put them together again like a jigsaw.

A jigsaw that _will_ stay together.

Mamehara Issei takes his first breath, whole, and goes out to the light.

_

**Author's Note:**

> I based this on the book/movie 'Where the wild things are '. Hope it wasn't too confusing.  
> Thank you for reading! Please leave a comment or find me on  cc  or  twt 


End file.
